Belief Beyond Behavior RENO, NV (KUNR) - I spend a considerable part of my work week with children and teenagers. It's one of the things I love about what I do. But the fact is that no one brings a child to a therapist's office unless that child is doing something the adult doesn't like or doesn't understand. So I see children who lie, who defy their parents and teachers, who won't do their homework, and who otherwise just don't go along with the plans of the adults in their lives. On the surface, the behavior of these children can appear obnoxious. But once you get to know them a bit, it's amazing how much sense their behavior makes if you look at it from their point of view.
Children--whatever their age--can do frustrating, annoying things. Parents often wonder how they can love a child so much one moment and be so incredibly angry at her the next. It may help you deal with your children's behavior (and misbehavior) to realize that there is indeed a reason why they do what they do. The problem is that we (and usually they) don't understand what that reason is.
What children really need from their parents--and their schools--is what we call a sense of belonging and significance. When children know they belong--that they have a place where they're wanted, loved unconditionally, and where they can make a contribution to those around them--they tend to make better choices about their behavior (most of the time, at least--after all, no one is perfect!). When children don't feel a sense of belonging or connection, however--and there are moments like that for all of us human beings--they will try to create it in mistaken ways.
Think about the last time your child defied you or tested a limit. Do you know that she was speaking to you in "code"? Children, especially young ones, often aren't able to tell us in words how they feel and what they need from us. They speak to us through their behavior. And their behavior is often a mistaken way of creating a sense of belonging and connection.
Unfortunately, many popular parenting methods like punishment, time out, or rewards-- miss the belief behind behavior completely and focus on simply trying to control what a child says or does. The only effective way to help a child change her behavior is to understand what it means to her, and then to do something that helps her change her belief about you, herself, and what works in the situation she's in.

For instance, a child who suddenly acts up when you answer the phone or try to have a conversation with an adult friend may be telling you in the only way she knows that she only feels important when she has your undivided attention which happens frequently with children who receive a lot of attention. That doesn't make her behavior okay, but you will respond more effectively when you understand that she's sending you a message--and when you respond to the message rather than just the behavior. All children need to feel that they have a special place in our lives; when we help children feel belonging, they have less need to misbehave.
It's also important to remember your child's age and developmental level. A two-year-old just can't be patient for 20 minutes--it feels like hours to her! Rather than expecting quiet cooperation (and, usually, being disappointed), do some planning: prepare a basket of special toys just for times that you must be on the phone. Or give your little one a timer, set it for five or 10 minutes, and let her know that when it beeps, you will hang up the phone and spend time with her. Take time for some training; for example, talk about what you will and will not buy in the toy store before you walk in the door, and be willing to follow through with kindness and firmness.
If there is always a belief behind behavior (and I'm pretty sure there is), then parents have a responsibility to look at their own contribution to their child's behavior. After all, you're the one who shapes her view of the world and its rules. If you lose your temper every time your child forgets something or makes a mistake, you shouldn't be surprised if she lies about her behavior. Is lying okay? Of course not. But telling the truth will be easier if your child doesn't need to fear your reaction. If you buy your child a treat every time you leave her, you shouldn't be surprised when she comes to expect them and, eventually, to demand them. Like it or not, parents are their child's first and most influential teachers. Most of the beliefs children have about their world can be traced directly to parents.
Be sure your children feel a sense of belonging and connection with you. Try to find a quiet moment or two in every day to spend with each child, just talking, listening, and being together. Get into your child's world; know who she is and what helps her to do her best. Invite your child to talk about friends and school; after all, much of what's important to her happens when she's away from home. If she's old enough, involve her in finding solutions to problems. Make use of her talents and abilities. And remember, the more your child believes that she belongs and is significant in positive ways, the fewer problems you're likely to have.
Yes, children need discipline and boundaries. But the next time your child has a tantrum at the grocery store, take a deep breath and ask yourself what might be going on for her and what message you she's sending you with her behavior. The answer will help you respond firmly, kindly, and effectively. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR