Troubles Talk RENO, NV (KUNR) - Dr. Rebecca Jankovich, PhD can be reached at 322-1839

Men and women are so different. A fight I hear in my office several times a week from different couples is the one where the husband complains to the wife that he doesn't want to hear the stories she tells him about her friends; he doesn't want to listen to their problems; he has enough problems of his own and he surely doesn't enjoy hearing the problems of other people about whom he doesn't care, many of whom he's never met. He thinks his position is perfectly logical. He works all day and comes home to relax and forget the cares of the day; he definitely doesn't want to be upset by listening to the woes of others. She, on the other hand, is hurt and irritated. She cares deeply about her friends and what's going on in their lives. When she gets together with her girlfriends or talks on the phone, they talk not only about their troubles, but those of their close friends. She feels like she knows the friends of her friends, even though they're not her friends, because she's heard their stories for years. She wants her husband to listen to her talking about her friends because they're important to her; she wants him to know what her world is like, to look through a window into her inner life and he's so selfish, he's not interested or so she interprets his behavior.
Men and women are different. Linguists tell us that women bond through troubles talk. Around the world, throughout all cultures, women talk about their troubles and the troubles of others as a way of making connection. Women actually enjoy hearing what's going well, what's going wrong, with other people. When girlfriends meet for lunch they typically talk about what is happening in each of their worlds, their relationships, then those of their children, then those of their closest friends; they'll even inquire about the troubles of the other's friends if the other doesn't bring them up. Women's personalities are organized around the themes of connections and relationships so acquiring information about others is quite natural for them.
Men's personalities are organized around the themes of independence, and comparing where they stand in relation to others who's on top of the heap? Given the gender differences in personality, it makes more sense to see why women enjoy discussing the troubles of others and men usually do not. The fact that a husband dislikes hearing his wife talk about her girlfriends' lives does not mean he's self- centered and doesn't care about his wife. He may be self-centered, but that's not why. The fact that he doesn't enjoy hearing troubles talk just means he's a guy and since this is gender driven, he's not likely to change.
Wives are usually their husband's best friends but husbands aren't usually the wives' best friends; give up trying to get your husband to talk with you the way you talk with your girlfriends. Wives, the best solution here is to accept the gender differences and find other subjects to talk about with your husbands. It's OK if you decide it's OK, and you may as well since his dislike of troubles talk is gender driven. Husbands, you could bend a little and tolerate a few minutes of troubles talk for the sake of marital harmony; it won't kill you to listen to 3 minutes of the troubles of her best friend.
Women need to talk, and to hear you talk, in order to feel connected. If you're not going to accept listening to your woman talk about troubles and friends, then you have to step up to the plate and be a better conversationalist yourself. Which means you have to initiate conversations and come up with subjects to discuss. Your wife will probably pressure you to tell her about your day and I know, you hate talking about your day it was bad enough once, you don't want to have to relive it. So, give her the short version and then talk about something else. Talk about your thoughts about politics, your kids, your hopes and dreams, plans for the house, the next vacation, your concerns about your parents; you could even talk about the state of your marriage or what you value in your wife. You pick the subject, but you have to talk. And NO, it won't work to just hop in bed and connect sexually here's where you have to accept the gender differences. Women talk first and get close physically second.
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