Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-10-27)
null
For most of our children, life is pretty sweet. They are safe and well-loved sometimes, a bit too well-loved! They have food to eat and toys to play with and enough hugs to keep them connected to their parents and caregivers. When they cry, someone shows up and solves the problem. Neither they nor their parents are perfect because none of us are but life rolls along pretty smoothly and they grow and learn and love without much effort.
For other children, however, nothing is certain. Life is stressful, sometimes right from the moment of birth. They can't relax and they don't feel safe; they're not sure who to trust, or whom they can really rely on to meet their needs. Their cries may go unanswered or worse, bring scolding or punishment. And while we like to say that children are resilient and can recover from almost anything, the truth is that painful or difficult experiences early in childhood can have lifelong results.
Early childhood trauma which is what the experts call these sorts of experiences usually bring to mind images of physical abuse or outright neglect. But as it turns out, trauma for children can be much more subtle. In a long-term study jointly conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente, "adverse childhood experiences" included not only physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and neglect, but such things as exposure to drug and alcohol abuse, living with someone who is depressed or mentally unstable, exposure to violence, having an incarcerated parent, or having parents who just aren't there at all. Poverty can create instability and fear. Simply put, trauma is in the eyes (and heart) of the beholder. And when a child feels unsafe or not strongly connected to caring adults, brain development itself is disrupted.
This is a difficult subject to discuss in our child-centered culture, where parenting usually involves discussion of birthday parties and homework rather than emotional and physical survival. But childhood trauma is far more common than most parents know; the CDCP/Kaiser study estimates that about half of all children have experienced at least one category of trauma; 25% have experienced two or more. And among the long-term consequences are greatly increased risks for such things as smoking, COPD, early sexual activity, and depression later in life.
Not surprisingly, many (if not most) of the children who find their way into foster care or who are available for adoption are survivors of early childhood trauma. Trauma impacts the development of trust, connection, sequential thinking, conscience development, and ability to focus. Trauma can lead to extreme behavior: defiance, aggression, hoarding of food, lying, refusal to make eye contact, and an inability to feel compassion or empathy. Some experts believe that many of the children currently diagnosed with attention deficit disorder are actually trauma survivors. Unfortunately, many family doctors and pediatricians have received no training in recognizing the symptoms of trauma and parents often believe that love alone can cure anything.
The good news here is that the human brain is, in fact, incredibly resilient but children recover from trauma best when caring adults recognize the issue and can address it directly. The first step is to provide the two essential things children need to thrive: safety and trust. Simply put, children need to know that they are loved unconditionally and that someone will respond to their needs with kindness and respect. Before these kids can deal with issues like rules, chores and homework which are often very important to parents they need to know they are safe and loved. And this takes time and a great deal of patience.
The best parenting approaches recognize the impact of trauma and help parents learn to use specific parenting tools to address problems. For instance, consistent routines, listening, and encouragement help build trust. Family meetings and looking for solutions, rather than relying on punishment or rewards, help develop conscience and sequential thinking skills. Most important, though, is simple connection. Time spent face-to-face, listening, talking, and playing together may be the best parenting tool available for these wounded children. As they learn to trust and believe that the world might be a safe and welcoming place after all, their futures change for the better. It's tough work but your child's life may depend on it. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
