Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-09-16)
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Stephen Glenn, a lecturer and author who was nationally respected for his work with children and families, used to say that there were four phrases he'd like to eliminate from the language. They are "good girl," "good boy," "bad girl," and "bad boy." Now, you might be thinking, that's really nit-picking on this parenting stuff. How on earth could it be harmful to call a child good or bad?
Well, in a general sense, it's not. But stop and think for a moment. Let's say you're three years old, actively exploring your world and just learning how to use your body, your words, and your mind. Being a curious and perceptive little person, you notice that the response you get from your parents varies depending on what you do. When you follow their rules, don't make messes or noise, and don't break things, you're good. When you get into trouble, you're bad. "Bad" is accompanied by a creased forehead, lowered brows, and a stern voice maybe even a smack or a time out. "Good" gets you smiles and hugs. Sometimes it even gets you candy. You may decide you like being good much better, so you work hard for those moments of praise.
What could possibly be wrong with that? Don't we all want our children to behave well, to succeed, and to make good choices? Well, let's run the tape forward a few years. Now that three-year-old is 12 and the stakes have gone up. So have the risks. Grades that aren't "good," along with behavior that isn't "good", can be devastating to a child whose entire self-worth is built on being good, on pleasing others and earning their approval. The truth is that many children who are praised excessively for "good" behavior and "good" grades decide somewhere along the way that they are worthwhile and lovable only if they're good. And that approach to life can create serious problems.
The words "good" and "bad" are value judgments, and children instinctively know that. Telling a child, "You're a bad boy," sends a very different message than "Please don't throw Cheerios at your sister." Value judgments are about a child's inherent worth and may teach a child that he or she is worthwhile only when an adult says so when he's good. And when children can't risk failure or mistakes, when all that matters is being "good", they may become unable to take risks, to learn from their behavior, and to give themselves permission to try new things.
I occasionally ask children and teenagers "do your parents love you?" Many say yes and smile. But some tell me, without a hint of irony, "Yes, they love me when I get good grades." Or, "they love me when I do my chores." That's what we call "conditional love," and it doesn't work very well for young humans or for much of anyone else. What all of us need is a sense of belonging and significance that has nothing to do with our successes or failures. We need to know that we belong and are loved and valued regardless of our behavior. We need unconditional love, and discipline that teaches skills and limits without calling into question our worth as human beings.
Here are a few suggestions to consider as you go through life with your children.
Stop saying "good boy" or "good girl." Instead, be specific and tell your child what you like or notice about what he did. Or give specific directions about behavior that is or is not appropriate. Remember, effective discipline teaches both character and life skills.
Teach your children that mistakes are just opportunities to learn and that we all make plenty of mistakes. Be honest and humble about your own, and your children will be more willing to 'fess up to theirs. A child who misbehaves isn't "bad" he's just a child who needs to learn how to make better choices. All of us should be able to make mistakes without risking our self-esteem and our place in our families.
Don't compare children. Most adults can remember hearing things like, "Why can't you be good like your cousin Sally," or "Why can't you study hard like your brother?" Few of us found those comments helpful. Notice your children's unique qualities; help them build on their strengths and manage their weaknesses. Pay attention to whether you blame or pick on one child more than the others; behind most "problem" children are "good" children trying to make their siblings look bad.
Last but not least, notice and encourage effort and progress in the right direction not just success. Sure, it's easier to live with a "good" child, but what is easy for you may not be best for your child. Children, like all of us, need to know they are loved unconditionally, even on their "bad" days. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
