Arguing and your Teenage Daughter RENO, NV (KUNR) - Dr. Rebecca Jankovich, PhD can be reached at 322-1839

Teenage girls argue with their mothers. Moms tell me their daughters don't pull the same arguing routine on their fathers; but, that's because the daughter charms her father, wraps him around her finger, and he gives in to her anyway at least that's what the moms think. The biggest trick to not getting into the arguing routine, is to not defend yourself right away.

Let's start with the basics. You're the mom; you're in charge. Your family is NOT a democracy. Your daughter does not have an equal vote; she doesn't even really have a vote. What she gets to do is tell you her feelings, her preferences, and then you parents make the decision, considering her preferences when it's reasonable and in her best interests. She's too young to realize her view of the world is immature, na ve, uninformed; unfortunately, she doesn't know that and believes she sees the world with greater vision than you! You're the adult with the realistic and longterm perspective as to what helps form good character for her and what does not.
Next basic: it is not your job to be her friend, to have her like you; the days of your cuddly, all disclosing, sweet little girl are temporarily on hold. Your job is to guide her adolescent development so she acquires character qualities and the skills necessary to be a successful adult. That means you're going to be telling her "no" a lot more often than she wants to hear it and she's going to retaliate by criticizing you.
The moms I talk with are crushed when their daughters criticize them. The transformation from sweet little girl to adolescent is hardest on mom because she loses her intimate friendship with her child. Not only does mom have to grieve the loss of this friendship, at least for now, but she also becomes the target for everything that goes wrong. Here's when dad must support mom's position or the daughter's battle with mother can turn into a marital struggle as well. Even if dad doesn't always agree with mom's position, dad should support mom. And remember, dad was probably not there to see what went haywire between mom and daughter so he doesn't really know if daughter's version is accurate. Let's believe the grownup instead of the adolescent.
Ok, so daughter carries this constant resentment that mother is not letting her have her way, and daughter acts this resentment out by picking on mother. "you're not going to eat that ice cream are you?" "can't you be nicer to dad?" "you're not wearing that!" Mom's first reaction is to justify what she's about to do to defend herself. "Yes, I'm eating the ice cream because I worked out today". "I am nice to your father; he should have let me know he'd be late". "I think I look good in these pants". Instead of going on the defense, take this opportunity to teach your daughter something, and then if you must, defend yourself.
Teach her you're the mother and in charge. Teach her she shouldn't give unsolicited advice to anyone other than her child when she's a mom. Teach her to identify her feelings and talk about those. So, you say to the ice cream remark: "remember, in this family we don't give unsolicited advice and I haven't asked you to monitor what I eat. What's really bothering you? Figure that out and let's talk about that, but you don't get to criticize me." When she says that you criticize her all the time, you say: "my job as your mother is to teach you what you need to know to make it in life; I'll keep giving you advice whether or not you want it." The outline is: you're in charge and she doesn't give you advice unless you ask; figure out her real feelings and let's deal with those.
Example of being nicer to dad. "My relationship with your father is out of bounds for your comments. Marriages are two way streets; I'm reacting to him and he's reacting to me; dad and I both make this the way it is and we always work it out. Talk with me about what's really bothering you, but you're not invited to comment on our relationship because you're the kid, not the marriage counselor." You set the limit: she's not allowed to give you a running commentary on how you treat the sainted father; and at the same time, you teach her about the complications of marriage. You remind her it's not her job to fix the marriage it's only her job to be a kid.
Example of the clothing comments. "I haven't asked for your advice about my pants and what you've said hurts my feelings. I want you to learn the value of being kind, and what you just said was not kind". Notice there's no defending how the pants look, but you're taking the opportunity to teach her something about character: kindness trumps criticisms.
So, when your adolescent daughter picks on you, don't snap back with a defense. Establish once again, who's in charge and teach her something. A warning: it's going to take A LOT of repetitions before she gets it!
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