The In-Laws RENO, NV (KUNR) - Dr. Rebecca Jankovich, PhD can be reached at 322-1839

We don't think about how we differ from our spouse's family when we're deciding to marry; we have our hands full just trying to decide if this is "the one". Once you get married, you discover you've married an entire family, not just your beloved. Good news/Bad news. Families have their quirks, their different traditions and ways of approaching life; what you took for granted as the right way to look at an event, may be looked upon as totally wrong according to your spouse and their family. Views differ across the board including how to celebrate Christmas or Hannakah, how to respect the passing of a loved one, whether it's alright to interrupt or tease, how to raise children, and on and on.
A common conflict my clients talk with me about is when the daughter-in-law is not happy with how the mother-in-law deals with the grandchildren. The daughter-in-law usually wants the same rules of parenting followed as were used in her family; she takes what her parents did and then improves on them, incorporating new information about child development and health into her child rearing. The mother-in-law believes she knows a little something about raising children since she's already managed to do it, and she may not be very open to being told how to parent by this young mother, her daughter-in-law, who doesn't have her wisdom or experience and is only drawing on what she's read about parenting in some book or magazine. Add to this dynamic the fact the mother-in-law might be a little competitive with her son's wife for her son's attention, and you've got a strain in the extended family.
The mistake I watch daughters-in-law make is to use the husband as the go-between the wife and the mother-in-law. First off, the husband doesn't really want to hear his wife complain to him about his mother. There isn't much he can do about the spat between these two women; he probably doesn't inject the same symbolic meanings into his mother's behavior as does his wife, but he doesn't want to fight with her about her sensitivities because he knows he won't win that one. And, he doesn't like conflict and he certainly doesn't like it when he wasn't there and didn't see it with his own eyes. Secondly, the wife actually loses some of her power in the relationship with the mother-in-law if she hands the problem off to her husband to solve. Think of how little power you have to influence a relationship if you don't speak up for yourself and give the other person feedback so they can fine tune the way they interact with you in a manner that allows the two of you to feel closer.
When a mother-in-law does something that upsets the daughter-in-law, the rule of thumb is that the daughter-in-law handles it herself with her mother-in-law. She might talk it over with her husband, but just to give him information about how she handled his mother so he knows her side of it should his mother complain to him about his wife.
If the wife is not complaining to the husband about his mother, it stands to reason that the husband should not allow his mother to complain to him about his wife. Turn about is fair play and it's destabilizing for a marriage to have an in-law stirring trouble in the marriage, especially when the other spouse isn't there to represent themselves. Of course, there are some mothers-in-law whose style in the family is to pronounce their opinions about whomever they choose, or to talk to their children about any of their other children. Wives, you're not likely to get very far trying to change this family dynamic; it's been in place for decades and it's probably here to stay. You can at least ask your husband to gently tell his mother he doesn't want to discuss her opinions of his wife with her, and then change the subject. Don't give him too hard a time about this because he's been dealing with this mother a lot longer than you have and he knows whether redirecting her is worth the struggle.
When it comes to parenting, the basic rule is that the parents get to set the guidelines, and ask the grandparents to follow the guidelines. I hear about conflicts with mother-in-laws so often, that in my office, it looks like mothers-in-laws supervise their grandchildren just about any way they please regardless of the mother's guidelines and you know, the children seem to grow up just fine anyway, despite the grandparent spoiling, the sodas, the sugar, and the hours in front of the TV. Before doing battle with a mother-in-law over grandchildren, consider just how critical the issue of battle truly is. If the issue puts your children in harm's way, then, by all means, confront the mother-in-law. If the issue doesn't put your children in harm's way, consider if it's worth the strain the conflict might cause. When a conflict is necessary because the grandparenting is putting your child in harm's way, do it yourself and make sure your husband will back you when they come to him.
Typically, these struggles aren't worth it. Driving a small child without a car seat is worth it; giving a child foods to which he's allergic, is worth it. Fighting over whether your daughter got too much candy, or skipped her nap maybe not worth it. When the broken guideline justifies a battle, wait until you're calm, and then ask your mother-in-law to please follow your wishes; you don't have to threaten to reduce her time with your child unless she does it your way; just remind her of the guideline and ask her to do it your way. Listen to her tell you why she did it her way, and then ask for her cooperation. If she's truly putting your child at risk, indeed, you'll have to supervise her time with your child. But, most grandparents keep their grandchildren alive when they babysit.

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