What if your Spouse is a Bully? RENO, NV (KUNR) - Dr. Rebecca Jankovich, PhD can be reached at 322-1839


So often when a couple is in trouble, in the process of divorcing, or trying to coparent after a divorce, one partner bullies the other. Why? Because they're angry; because they're hurt; because they believe they've been treated unfairly; because they want to retaliate and make the other feel as badly as they feel; because they believe the other should be punished; because they think the bullying will make the other change. There aren't any good reasons that justify being a bully; the other's bad behavior doesn't give you the right to be bad as well.
Bullying includes a lot of behaviors. It's when you raise your voice, interrupt, don't allow the other to speak in order to gain the floor and do all the talking without listening. It's when you call the other names or swear at them. It's when you belittle the other's character and demean them, picking on their flaws, their beliefs, their appearance. It's when you refer over and over to past mistakes, fights, complaints. It's when you threaten to do things that will upset them, like file for divorce, take full custody of the kids, cut back on visitation, reduce support monies, tell others their secrets. It's when you campaign the kids to your point of view as to what went wrong in the marriage, what is wrong with the other parent. It's when you campaign friends and extended family to know the details about just how bad the other behaved and just how rotten a person they truly are. Bullying is any behavior designed to get what you want without playing fairly and putting the other into an unstable, precarious position. So, it also includes behaviors that dismiss and ignore: not answering the phone, not returning messages, not answering emails or texts, not answering questions that would allow the other to make decisions about managing their own life, not sending support monies on time, not paying your share of the children's additional expenses.
It's not only husbands who bully; I've heard a fair number of stories lately of wives who are pummeling their husbands with accusations of what's wrong with them. Common insults include: "this is all your fault", "no one will ever want you once they know what you're really like", "you're abandoning your family", "you've always been a liar". The typical divorce threats are: "I'm going to get full custody of the kids", "I'll take the kids and move", "you won't get any money", "I'll quit work to make sure you don't get any money", "your kids are going to know what you're really like". You get the picture.
It's tough to not respond to the bullying because your emotions quickly get engaged and you want to fight back, defend yourself. If you're being bullied, it's probably not the first time this person has harangued you in this way; you're already sensitized to the insults, the threats, so your threshold is lower and you're going to react more intensely because your defenses have been worn down. Even though it's hard, the best way to handle a bully is to not let them get to you; or, at least, to not let them know they've gotten to you. Do NOT respond to their insults and threats by defending yourself or pleading for mercy. One of the best strategies is to try not to talk with them directly in person or on the phone. When they've got your attention in real time, it's harder to contain your emotions, calm yourself, and respond with a powerful stance. If you limit your contact to voice mails, emails and texts, then you've got a time delay to use to calm yourself before you respond. If you don't think the issue before you has to be decided today, sleep on your response before you send off an answer because you'll have better control of your emotions tomorrow.
Never defend yourself and explain why they're wrong and why what you did had a good reason. They're really not interested in your explanations or changing their picture of you; the bullying is designed to upset you and once you're defending yourself, they've won because they know you're upset. Respond only with facts about plans or decisions. For instance, wife is bullying you, saying you're a loser, you're a coward, you've walked away from your family, and when are you picking up the kids on Friday?; you answer only that you're picking the kids up at 5pm. Husband is bullying wife saying you're a terrible mother, you spend too much money, you're too fat, and can he have the kids an extra weekend?; you answer only the question about whether he can have the extra weekend.
If you're being bullied on the phone, say you're hanging up now because you feel bullied and then hang up. Don't answer the 7 phone calls you're likely to get after hanging up; wait until at least 4 or 5 hours have passed and then call back. If the other is bullying you again, use the same tactic of saying you're hanging up because you feel bullied. Your answer for the issue at play should be by email so you don't give them another opportunity to bully. When you're being bullied by email or texts, skim the ugly stuff and only answer the plans or questions. You really can't cut off contact if you have children, so you have to find a way to cull through the ugly stuff to get to the content. If you don't have children, cut off all contact until they're civil. If you have children so you must stay in touch, but you can't bear the bullying, have a friend read the emails or listen to the voice mails and give you the pertinent information. Clients ask me if they can't have their attorneys force the other to stop bullying; I've never seen attorneys or the courts be able to force a bully to stop harassment if they're not threatening your safety. If your safety isn't at risk, save legal fees and have someone screen the contacts for you. If your safety IS at risk, get a restraining order.
Bullies don't usually stop being bullies. Don't engage so it stops being so much fun for them.
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