Regional
(2009-06-08)
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FT. COLLINS, CO
(KUNC) -
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With the advent of summer KUNC commentator Laura Bridgwater knows that pests come in many forms.
School is out for the summer, and my children are excited about no homework, no spelling tests, and no cafeteria pizza cheese that they claim bounces when rolled into a ball.
But as a parent, I lament the end of the school year. For parents, summer is a lot like being in the landscape business. It's your high season.
In the landscape business, when you turn your back on the grass, it needs mowing again. In the parenting business, when you turn your back on your children, you need groceries again. Children, in fact, grow faster than grass, but you can't stop feeding or watering them in hopes of delaying grocery shopping for another day.
The bane of summer vacation is the horde of locusts that descend upon the kitchen, leaving not a crumb uneaten or a can upright. These locusts include my children and their friends. Locusts devour whole watermelons, gnaw apples to the core, and eat the crusts on their sandwiches without being nagged. When they lick their plates, I let them. I'll take all the help I can get.
No sooner has one meal been cleared than they swarm back to the kitchen, foraging for more. The simple request for another glass of anything milk, juice, water makes me add a straight jacket to the grocery list for me, not them.
Keeping the fridge and the cabinets stocked in the summer is a full-time job. Sometimes our kids eat more than my husband and me, and we don't even have boys. I knew a mom whose sons would inhale her home-cooked meals, then jump on their bikes and pedal to McDonalds for their second course. I used to think that was awful. These days, I'd offer them a ride.
Likewise, I used to think it was terrible that my own mother kept a garage full of sodas and a cupboard full of snack cakes, but now I get it. She was saving her sanity. I'm considering following in her footsteps because what's a little sugar compared to a parent on Prozac?
In an attempt to keep the cabinets stocked, I've made a list of possible actions to deal with my insect problem. Maybe one or two of these ideas will help you.
First, get a jump on the growing season by planting the lawn with dandelions for an easy-to-grow food source. If the city sends a citation for weeds, tell them you're starting a wild foods movement. As an added bonus, you won't need to mow.
Next, Google yummy dandelion recipes. Possibilities include dandelion salad for the kids and dandelion wine for the adults.
While you are surfing the Net, research edible, high-fiber bowls, plates, and utensils. Added bonus--no more dishes to wash.
Instead of thinking, "Junkfood!" when you hear the jangle of the ice cream truck, think, "Home delivery!"
Also clean out the pantry before heading to the pool. Locusts are at their hungriest after swimming, so bring the snacks that no one likes, such as radishes, organic cheese puffs, or that jar of Pennsylvania Dutch chow chow you bought on a whim. Test the theory that water-logged locusts will eat anything.
Experiment with the other theory that less exercise equals less food. Allow the kids to watch movies and play video games all summer. As a precaution, ban all movies with feasts, such as Harry Potter. The scenes in the Great Hall where the levitating platters of food magically appear might make the children salivate.
When all else fails, find loose change and send the overgrown grasshoppers around the block looking for lemonade stands.
With any luck, these tactics will keep the children satiated until school starts and might even persuade them to change their opinion of the cafeteria pizza cheese that supposedly bounces.
Even though class just let out, I'm looking forward to the sweet sound of that first school bell in August because then I can close the kitchen for the season. And, in the peace and quiet of my empty house, I'll enjoy a Fudgesicle if there are any left.
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