US
(2006-02-28)
RENO, NV
(KUNR) -
Okay, pop quiz. If you've ever had an argument or a screaming match with a child, raise your hand. If you've ever lost an argument or screaming match with a child, raise the other hand. If you're driving at the moment, please put your hands back on the wheel. Most parents I know have been goaded at one point or another into going toe-to-toe with a youngster. Sometimes these arguments are about important issues, like health or safety. Sometimes they're about spilled Kool-Aid or dirty socks. Regardless of the subject matter, would you believe me if I told you that the moment you lose your temper and allow yourself to be drawn into a fight with a child, you've already lost?I know this, incidentally, because I have personal experience with my own personal child. And frankly, most parents tell me that the moment they've lost it and yelled, Go to your room! or You're grounded! they have an Oh, shoot moment. Nobody does his or her best work when the temper has been lost and the voice has been raised, and I have yet to talk to a parent who truly felt good about losing control with his kids.
One of the most important keys to effective parenting is staying in control--not of your child, but of yourself. This means being aware of your own reactions, knowing when you're stressed or angry, and being willing to deal with your own emotions first. Another key of effective parenting is recognizing that there's no rule that says every problem has to be resolved right this minute. No matter what you're discussing, if you and your child can't remain respectful, nothing good is likely to happen. And who among us really needs to have another shouting match or argument?
Neurobiologists tell us that when we become angry or extremely emotional, the prefrontal cortex of our brain effectively disconnects . The prefrontal cortex, incidentally, is the part of the brain responsible for executive function, good judgment, and problem solving. When you're upset, you have access only to your emotions and your physical sensations your problem-solving apparatus has gone offline. This is why we encourage parents and children alike to use a positive time out to calm down and cool off before attempting to solve a problem. The obstacle, of course, is remembering to do this in the heat of a confrontation with your child.
Here's a suggestion: it's called withdrawing with dignity. Many parents believe that if they back away from a confrontation, even for a moment, they are giving up their authority and that the child has somehow won. The truth is, children are far more likely to respect and cooperate with a parent they can't bait, provoke, or manipulate. If your child is younger than three, the best solution for defiance and raised voices is a moment to cool off, distraction and redirection to something that is allowed, and kind, firm action instead of words. Children this young are not yet able cognitively to make the connection between cause and effect, so time-outs and consequences just won't work effectively.
If your child is older, particularly if you have an adolescent under your roof, consider trying this: Pay close attention when you're having a heated discussion with a child--not to the child, but to yourself. The moment you begin to lose control and find yourself yelling, being sarcastic, or behaving disrespectfully, take a deep breath. (This is to give you a moment to think.) Then, doing your best to sound calm and reasonable (it's okay to fake this part, but at least try), say, I'd like to discuss this with you but we seem to be having trouble being respectful to each other. Why don't you take a moment to calm down and I'll do the same. I'll meet you back here in half an hour. Then leave. Yes, you heard me: leave. Go to your own room or sit down and read something. If your child says something nasty or slams a door, don't take the bait. Sometimes silence is far more effective than words; she'll be wondering what's going to happen next.
Notice that when you withdraw with dignity, you're not giving in. Your child is not winning or getting her way, and you're not sacrificing your authority. But neither are you yelling, threatening, or losing control. When you resume the discussion (and you definitely should when you can focus on the issue), you will have had time to think about the result you really want and how best to achieve it. You can invite your child to help you look for solutions, instead of trading accusations. And you will be calm.
Remember, being calm and being kind and firm at the same time is always the most effective way to solve problems and keep relationships strong. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
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