US
(2008-08-26)
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Parenting a young adult a young person between the ages of 18 and 25 certainly presents some challenges. It helps to know what's going on in your young adult's brain and what they're developmentally capable of. This commentary will help you understand the changes your child is going through and understand how best to shape and guide their choices.
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My son, who is now 24 years old, has celebrated the Fourth of July at Lake Tahoe with a group of friends for the past three or four years. They rent a house near the beach, stock up on goodies, and, well, have a good time. This year, however, my son and his buddy came back a couple of days early. I'm getting too old for this, Mom, he said with a rueful grin. I think I need a different plan for next year.
At first I laughed too old obviously means something different when you're 24 than when you're 53, like me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my son like many young adults is indeed changing and growing, processing information differently and making new decisions about himself and other people.
As it turns out, a detailed research study conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology shows that young adults young people from the ages of 18 to 25 are indeed going through some major changes in brain growth, intellectual capacity, and maturity that affect how they see the world, themselves, and others. In our culture, we tell teenagers that they are adults at the age of 18. They can't legally drink alcohol but they can sign agreements, vote, get married, drop out of school, and die for their country. Most parents recognize at some point during their child's adolescence that the day is rapidly approaching when their relationship will change, when teenagers gain the right to decide for themselves what they will and will not do.
But are teens ready at the age of 18 to handle all these choices and responsibilities? Research would suggest that, in fact, they are not. The MIT study describes something called the mental visor ; brain growth and development naturally limits what a person sees and responds to. For instance, preschoolers do not yet think in terms of ethics and morality, they have difficulty understanding another person's point of view, and they do not care about politics, money management, or other adult issues. By adolescence, a teenager's mental visor allows in more information and permits more critical thinking but they still may struggle with impulse control, emotional regulation, genuine empathy, and risk-taking. (Which is why so many parents spend so much time worrying when their teenagers are out of their sight.)
Around the age of 18, however, things begin to shift. Young adults those who hopefully have graduated from high school and moved on to the next phase of their lives are better able to appreciate diverse points of view, to understand that a relationship means giving as well as taking. They are less likely to take foolish risks, are capable of more complex thinking, and are far better at identifying and managing their emotions. Like my son, they begin to look forward, to make serious plans for their futures, and to recognize when their own behavior creates problems for them. Simply put, they mature and begin to function more like adults than the children and adolescents they so recently were.
What does this mean for parents? Well, many of the parents I encounter in my practice have a hard time deciding where the limits and boundaries of their relationship with their young adults should be. Sometimes, too, it's hard to let go, to recognize that the years of hands-on parenting are behind you. Parents sometimes try to micro-manage their young adults, to control behavior they really can't control, and to offer advice and opinions where none are wanted. Not surprisingly, this can create conflict between a parent and her young adult son or daughter, making the process of growing up and leaving home even harder than it already is.
It's true no matter what age your child is, of course, but especially during the young adult years, parents need to recognize that they can only control what they do, not what their young adult child does. If your son or daughter lives with you, you can decide what works in your home and you can (and should) make agreements with your young adult about money, curfew, work, grades, driving, and all the other complex issues that crop up during this phase of life. But you cannot make your child do anything. You can only decide what you will do, and then follow through hopefully with kindness and firmness, dignity and respect.
Your relationship shifts from that of mommy or daddy to mentor, coach, and peer and this is a tough change for many parents. I know; I've been through it. Learning more about the developmental process of your young adult will be extremely helpful. You can read more about the MIT study and learn specific strategies for parenting at the Center for Work, Family and Personal Life at mit.edu. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
Cheryl can be reached at (775) 331-6723 or at cheryl.erwin@sbcglobal.net. © Copyright 2012, KUNR
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