Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-11-02)
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Most people take for granted that having and raising children will be the most rewarding experience of their entire lives. Consider for a moment the amount of great art and literature that has been devoted to the joy of having children. And who could forget Paul Anka's immortal song, "Having My Baby"? Women in particular are expected to have a natural affinity for reproduction; the world of babies and young children is usually a very female place, and most of the parks, coffee shops, and playgroups frequented by small fry and their parents echo with stories and advice about parenting and child-rearing. Children sometimes become their parents' trophies, with academic and athletic accomplishments paraded for all to see. Most of us have received a few of those dreaded holiday newsletters that focus exclusively on Junior's brilliant violin recital or the number of scholarship offers Susie received.
Not all adults are natural parents, however. A while back, a woman named Helen Kirwan-Taylor sparked a firestorm by writing an article in London's Daily Mail that dealt with her dislike of parenting. "What kind of mother hates reading bedtime stories or changing nappies?" she wrote. "A bad mother, that's who, and a mother who is bored rigid by her children."
Not surprisingly, Internet chat rooms and letters to the editor had a field day with Ms. Kirwan-Taylor. After all, shouldn't every woman's highest purpose be to nurture her children? Well, maybe not. Oh, don't get me wrong: I am a children's advocate, and anyone who has listened to this little program knows that I believe children are entitled to love and respect, a strong sense of connection, discipline that teaches, encouragement, and a necessary share of their parents' time and energy. But are children supposed to be the center of the family universe? Should parents' needs always come in second to children's desires?
In a word, no. Devoting yourself entirely to your child's every whim is likely to produce a spoiled, self-centered youngster with little compassion for others and few useful skills not a good recipe for a successful life. On the other hand, leaving children to fend for themselves while you focus on your own needs doesn't work, either. In fact, if you have no time or energy for children and their messes, you probably should have nothing bigger than a gerbil in your house.
Still, these two extremes aren't the only possibilities. Most parents feel a great deal of unspoken pressure to be parents first and healthy people second which is why so many of the parents I talk to in my office have a constant sense of guilt. Are they doing enough for their children? What does it say about them if they don't really enjoy playing "Candyland" or "Legos" or watching "Dora the Explorer" or "Bob the Builder? Sometimes you just don't know how you'll respond to being a parent until you have an actual flesh-and-blood child and by then, it's too late.
Parents have needs, too. Yes, children are absolutely entitled to dignity and respect, safety and shelter, and a solid emotional connection with their parents. But parents must care for their own needs, too. Not long ago, I talked with a young mother who came to see me for depression. She was a single mother who had not planned to become pregnant, and her family and friends had convinced her that it was her duty to stay home, to devote all of her waking hours to her small son, and to sacrifice for his welfare. One night, when she couldn't get him to go to sleep, she snapped. "If I hadn't put him in his crib and walked away," she told me, trembling, "I don't know what would have happened. I'm afraid I might have shaken him or hurt him somehow. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and I think he knows it."
So we made a plan. She decided to return to work part-time, and to put her son in a quality childcare center while she worked. She felt guilty for a while, but as she got more involved with her job and a new circle of adult friends, her spirits lifted. The best part, she told me, was that she came home happy and eager to see her little boy. "We're really excited to see each other," she said with a smile, "and now I enjoy the time we spend together."
Children generally know what you feel and think even if you never say it out loud. Depression and boredom affect children's development; depressed, unhappy parents are simply less responsive to their children's needs. It can take some trial and error to figure out the right balance between parenting, work, and caring for oneself, but it's essential that each parent find that balance.
If raising children turns out not to be the ultimate thrill in your life, dump the guilt and get busy. Take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally; create a balance that works for you and for your child. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
