Alcoholism in Relationships RENO, NV (KUNR) -
Alcohol can be a huge problem in relationships. If one partner drinks too much, the alcohol abuse itself can ruin the potential for intimacy. Couples fight over whether the drinker is actually drinking too much; of course, the drinker says they're not. They fight over whether the drinker is really an alcoholic; the drinker says they're not. If one partner thinks the other's drinking is a problem, then the alcohol is a problem in the relationship.
Often, the partner who doesn't like the other's drinking grew up in a family where alcohol was a problem; perhaps they're more sensitized to dislike the impact of alcohol because of what they saw as a kid, but it doesn't really matter they don't like it. They don't like not knowing what kind of mood the drinker is going to be in when they drink this time; they don't like worrying the drinker will get angry, start a fight, embarrass them. They don't like making love to someone who smells of alcohol. They don't like waking up to someone who stinks from off-gassing what they drank last night. They don't like the fear the drinker will get a DUI, hurt someone else, and lose all they've worked for. Couples sometimes get stuck fighting over whether the one with a complaint about the drinking has a right to their complaint what I've seen as a therapist is by the time someone is complaining about the other's drinking, it's usually a real problem.
If you're upset with your partner's drinking, try to skip the argument over whether they're really an alcoholic. Just gives you something to fight over that distracts you from the underlying problem which is that you can't sustain intimacy with someone who's not emotionally present because their behavior is altered when they drink. Most alcoholics don't believe they're alcoholics because they don't fit their picture of what an alcoholic looks like; they think if you're not drinking to passing out every day, then you're just someone who enjoys drinking. But there are many different pictures of alcoholism; all with the bottom line that if your drinking interferes with your relationships, or your work, you've got a serious problem; if you've had an arrest that's alcohol related, you've got a serious problem. Which means if you only binge drink now and then, you still have a serious problem. The more sober spouse wants the drinking spouse to sign up for the label of "alcoholic" because they hope that accepting that their drinking is a permanent problem will enable them to quit; and it would, if they accepted it, only you're not likely to be able to get them to because they want to keep drinking.
So, skip over what we call the problem and go to the heart of the matter: when your partner drinks, you can't feel close to them; you lose respect for them; they're not emotionally available to support you, and you find yourself starting to avoid them. When someone's brain is altered as much as alcohol alters brains, they're not capable of being the partner you want. Even when they're not drinking, the times in between bouts of alcohol, they're different than if you could count on them being sober. You're different because you're vigilant and poised to protect yourself from their moods.
Without trying to get them to embrace that they're an alcoholic, ask them to quit drinking for awhile; tell them you'll quit as well. Notice I said "for awhile" because if you tell them forever, they'll refuse. What's likely to happen is they might agree, and then a few days, a few weeks later, and they're back to drinking as though you never had this talk. Bring it up again; ask for the no drinking rule. When none of this works, start talking to a therapist to help you figure out if you want to stay if they're going to continue to drink. Sometimes you have to take a dramatic step to get their attention and separate until they believe you're setting a firm limit and the only way back is through sobriety. Go to Alanon meetings where it will be drummed into you that you CANNOT get someone to stop drinking; you do not cause someone to drink and you cannot get them to stop. Only they can make that happen.
You cannot have an intimate, emotionally supportive and safe relationship with someone who has a drinking problem. Their behavior is too unpredictable for you to relax and see them as your friend.. You don't cause them to drink and you can't inspire them to stop. You're not the crazy one if you feel your mate's drinking is pushing you away

© Copyright 2009, KUNR