Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-06-30)
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Most of the parents I know work overtime to make their children happy and to protect them from pain, but sometimes the realities of life intervene. I occasionally hear from parents who tell me that a family member--a parent, a grandma or grandpa, or even a beloved pet--has died or is very ill, and they aren't sure what to tell their children. Can children understand death? Are they harmed when they have to cope with it?
It used to be that family members were born, lived, and died at home, surrounded by the people they loved. Death was always sad, but it was accepted as part of the cycle of life and children were included in the rituals that accompanied loss. These days people usually are born and die in hospitals and sterile care facilities. Medical care is a good thing, of course, but our emphasis on out-of-home care has made death something of a mystery to children and, in some ways, has complicated the process of grief.
Sometimes it seems that stories of death and dying surround us. The newspapers and the evening news are filled with stories of children who are sick, missing, or dead. Children and teenagers may have friends who have died or committed suicide; sometimes the parent of a close friend gets cancer or is killed. Then there are the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and seemingly routine calamities such as airplane crashes and traffic accidents; much as parents might wish away the entire subject of death, it is a part of everyday life for all of us.
And yes, children do grieve, just as intensely and deeply as do adults. If they experience a shock or a trauma, they may well have nightmares or panic attacks. A growing awareness of death the simple fact that all living things must die eventually is also part of normal development. For very young children, death is a vague concept, something they don't truly comprehend. Around the age of five or six, however, children often become curious about death; they ask about their own death and the possibility that their parents may die. These questions sometimes disturb parents, but they're entirely normal. When someone a child knows dies, however, the questions may take on added urgency.
Children can feel confused by death, and well-meaning adults sometimes make things harder by offering explanations like, "Grandpa has gone away," or "Spot just went to sleep." Children are left to wonder what might happen the next time Mom has to "go away" somewhere, or whether it's safe to fall asleep themselves. As with so many things in life, it's usually best to tell children the truth, although perhaps without unnecessary details. If spiritual faith is part of your family life, you can teach that faith to your children, but it is important to let children know that everyone dies someday and that most of us live long and happy lives together. You can certainly let a child know that you would never choose to go away and leave him.
Children's grief usually looks different than that of adults. Young children often experience what is called "magical thinking," the idea that the missing loved one is still around somewhere, or that something the child did was responsible for the loss. Grieving or depressed children often become irritable, even hyperactive; they may seem aggressive or angry rather than sad, or they may suddenly have problems at school.
It's important to remember that children can experience grief for a number of reasons, including divorce and the breakup of a family. Considering that more than half of all marriages end in divorce, the number of grieving children is staggering. In fact, there is some interesting research that seems to indicate that many of the children diagnosed with attention deficit disorder may actually be grieving.
If you suspect that your child is grieving, there are many ways to help. Unfortunately, children often feel grief at times when adults, too, are struggling, but you can help each other heal. Allow children to be a part of the rituals that surround death. If going to a funeral is too scary, a private remembrance such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer together, planting a tree, or creating a "memory place" with photographs and mementos will help. Be prepared to help children explore their feelings. Whether they're grieving death or divorce, children are likely to have questions, and to feel sad, responsible, even angry. If you can stay calm and listen, these difficult moments will pass much sooner. It may also be helpful to contact a support group for children like the Solace Tree.
Death and loss are a part of life for all of us. Children, too, can learn to accept and cope with life's sad moments and, like adults, learn to celebrate the good that remains. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
