Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-06-22)
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I don't watch much television but there are a few programs I enjoy and one of my favorites at the moment is the National Geographic Channel's "Dog Whisperer." This is a bit odd because I have never owned a dog. Instead, we have shared our home with purebred Birman cats named Max and Tico, who are, I confess, a bit spoiled. Apparently I did a better job raising my son than I did my cats.
Be that as it may, I am fascinated by Cesar Millan, the so-called "Dog Whisperer." And while I'm aware that not all dog trainers or animal behaviorists agree with his methods, I find one of his fundamental principles particularly interesting. Millan works primarily with problem dogs but he claims that he doesn't train dogs. Instead, he "rehabilitates dogs and trains owners." He spends a lot of time focusing on the human's responsibility for a dog's bad behavior, encouraging people to be "pack leaders" and to bring a "calm, assertive energy" to whatever they do with their dog. Affection without exercise and discipline, Millan says, is bad for dogs. And that is ultimately the human's responsibility.
Now, let me make this clear: I am not saying children are like dogs or that parents should treat them as such. But here's my point: like the snarling, aggressive, unpleasant dogs on Millan's program, a child's unpleasant or unattractive behavior often depends on what parents bring to the mix. And all too often, parents offer affection and pampering without discipline, back down from an angry, defiant child, or think bad behavior is somehow "cute."
There's a word for the "calm, assertive energy" Millan prescribes when we apply it to parenting. That word is "confidence" and most parents don't have nearly enough of it. Sometimes parents aren't the leaders in the family: the child is. And when that happens, everyone suffers for it. Like all humans, children have miraculous cells in their brains called "mirror neurons." These cells constantly read the emotional energy, body position, and physical cues of other people and create the same feelings and physical reactions within the child. In other words, your child can sense what you feel without even trying. What's more, he can "catch" your feelings and you can catch his. This is why strong emotions such as anger or fear are so often contagious we catch them from one another much as we might catch a cold.
If you aren't sure of what you're doing as a parent, don't really intend to follow through with a consequence or threat, or lack confidence in yourself, your child knows it and will behave accordingly. Unfortunately, children do not develop mature reasoning skills or ethical and moral thinking until they're much older than parents expect. When he's young, your child is likely to use his intuitive knowledge of your emotional state to get what he thinks he wants or needs and that usually results in what adults call manipulation or "misbehavior." (This is true for teachers, too, by the way, except that you can multiply the effect by about 30 times.)
Believe it or not, your child counts on you to set firm, reasonable limits and to follow through when necessary. When you pamper your child, back down from a challenge, or give in too often to whining and demands, your child learns he can't trust you to mean what you say or to follow through. It may not seem like it, but your child needs you to be in charge but to be confident without being aggressive, hurtful, or mean.
So how do you acquire confidence as a parent? Well, first, you take the time to learn what you do not know. There is a wealth of information available about parenting children. Learn all you can about development and the many ways of providing discipline. I recommend the Positive Discipline series and website, but there are many good sources of information about raising your child. Read, listen, and learn, and choose to do what makes sense to you for the long-term best interests of your child.
Once you've decided how to approach parenting, be kind and firm at the same time. When you set a limit, follow through with dignity and respect for yourself and your child. Yes, your child may cry and whine; he may say he doesn't like you or that all the other kids get to do it. What your child is really learning, however, is that he can trust you to pay attention, to protect him, and to take charge. And yes, parents do need to be in charge. You can and should listen; you can and should work on solving problems with your child when he is old enough. But you are the parent, and you need to act like one.
For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
