Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-06-15)
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A while back, I heard one of those so-called "parenting experts" on a morning news program offering some of the worst advice I've ever heard. I know, I know: I'm a so-called "parenting expert" too. But I'll be the first to tell you that I was only sort of an expert on my own son and he would be happy to tell you that I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did. You are the expert on your own child; no one will ever know him or her as well you do. Still, that doesn't guarantee that you won't make mistakes as witnessed by this particular TV know-it-all.
One of the morning talking heads asked this gentleman what to do about young children who are disrespectful and who misbehave. Of course, I thought pretty much all children fell into that category but no, he had a ready answer. "When your child misbehaves," he said confidently, "withdraw your love from them. Just ignore them for a day or two; don't hug them or offer them affection, and don't talk to them. They'll figure out that misbehavior isn't worth it."
Good grief. Where do these people come from? This guy went on to say that you also could take a video of your child misbehaving and then send that video to someone your child loves and respects. In other words, shame and embarrass her. I don't have to know your child to tell you that at best, this would result in only a short-term change in behavior. Long-term, the results are unlikely to be positive. Can you imagine how a child might feel who discovers that just acting like a kid is enough to cause her parents to stop loving her?
About a hundred years ago, a very wise man named Alfred Adler theorized that the primary human need is something he called "belonging and significance." Now, notice that he didn't say "love." There are exceptions, but the vast majority of parents love their children wholeheartedly and that doesn't always give insight and wisdom about effective parenting methods. Children actually need far more than love: they need to know that they belong in their families no matter what, that they are wanted and cherished, and that they have worth and value. And they need to know they belong even when they make mistakes, misbehave, or struggle to do what adults expect.
In fact, Adler believed that a child's misbehavior is an immature, mistaken way of trying to create a connection and a sense of belonging. And it does work: ever notice how quickly you tune in to your kids when they start acting up? In fact, the most recent brain research confirms a great deal of what Adler observed all those years ago: human beings do better and make better choices when they feel connected, loved, and secure. The best discipline is kind and firm at the same time.
Sounds easy, doesn't it? But we humans aren't good at unconditional love, no matter how much we talk about it. Take your average marriage, for example. The couples who sit with me in my office often say things like, "If you loved me you would know that," or "If you loved me, you would do that for me." And if an adult doesn't feel loved or valued, that adult sometimes resorts to payback, to revenge, and to cranky behavior.
It's even harder for children. The primary emotional building block for an infant is what we call a "secure attachment" the knowledge that an adult will show up to take care of me when I'm wet or hungry or tired or lonely. When the adult does that pretty well most of the time, the child thrives. When the connection and sense of belonging is unreliable, children can suffer lifelong consequences. Yes, it really is that important.
So how can a very human, frustrated, sometimes impatient parent build a secure connection and sense of belonging for a child? Well, you can begin by separating the child from her behavior. For instance, you can say "I always love you and we need to work on not hitting when you're angry." Or, when you have those lovely melt-down moments at Wal-Mart, you can say, "I love you and the answer is no." And then follow through with both kindness and respect. Behavior and belonging are actually two separate issues.
Children need our correction and teaching. They have so much to learn about skills and character and manners and rules. But like us, they learn far better when they feel secure, loved, and wanted. Withdrawing love or belonging from a child will never earn you that child's best behavior. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
