Parenting with Cheryl Erwin
(2009-06-02)
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Like many other kids, I took piano lessons. I began when I was six or seven and I remember my teacher, Miss Viola Allison, and the smell of her upstairs studio above the music store. I also remember the day there was an earthquake and the piano went one way while my bench went the other and we had to run out into the parking lot. I had no idea Miss Allison could move that fast.
I loved the piano and enjoyed playing but I hated practicing scales and exercises, and I regularly debated with my mother about it. I have no idea why my mother was so insistent about this; possibly because she'd always wanted to learn and never had the opportunity. But she was; despite my frequent objections, I continued practicing. I'm deeply grateful. The ability to play and enjoy music has added immeasurably to my life. I'm glad my mom didn't let me quit when I wanted to.
Kids these days have dozens of activities to choose from. They can play soccer or softball or golf. They can do gymnastics, swim, or take music lessons. They do martial arts and dance. And many of those kids whine and complain incessantly the whole time. Parent often ask me what they should do about the child who signs up for an activity, then wants to quit when it gets challenging or a new interest comes along. Should parents play the enforcer, pushing children to honor a commitment? What do children learn and decide if they do? What do they learn if they're allowed to quit every time they encounter an obstacle?
As with so many other parenting questions, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It's worth considering just how much your child is already involved in: I talk regularly to children and teens who perpetually run from one activity and group to the next. Parents sometimes believe that a plethora of activities is necessary for a child to develop self-esteem, but children actually need unstructured time in which to develop their creativity and imagination. Sometimes, too, homework is a struggle because there's simply no time to sit down and concentrate; every child in the family has so many activities that they're always in the car. Both parents and children are overscheduled these days and it does no one any good.
When my son was young, he was limited to two activities. He did Boy Scouts with his dad, and could choose one other thing which usually wound up being a sport, although he experimented with viola and drum lessons for a while. The rest of the time was devoted to homework, reading, and playing outdoors with his friends.
If you're reasonably sure your child is not overscheduled, though, how do you know if an activity is worth following through with? Is it ever okay to let a child just quit?
One way of looking at this is to understand what it is you actually want your child to learn from the activity. Very few of the children who crowd football and soccer fields will grow up to be professional athletes, but sports still have many benefits for kids, not the least of which is regular physical exercise. Kids can learn respect, perseverance, dedication, teamwork, and to manage and express feelings appropriately. They may learn a skill or develop a talent that will last them a lifetime. Childhood is about learning who you are and one way of doing that is by having the opportunity to try new things; just because something doesn't "stick" doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
If your child comes home with a sudden yen for the trumpet or ballet, sit down and, with genuine curiosity, take time to discover why. You can investigate the costs and time requirements, and share those with your child. It's also fair to ask a child to choose; four different activities may not be feasible or affordable for your family, so you can invite your child to decide which she will do. If you're going to spend money on lessons or equipment, you might ask your child to commit to a period of time before giving up. For instance, my son wanted a full drum set but I couldn't afford it and we agreed on drum pads first. Good thing, too, since the drums only lasted about three months thank goodness.
If your child is part of a team and her participation will affect the experience of others, you may want to make it clear that signing up means staying in for the entire season. Listen carefully to your child, however; some coaches and programs are neither respectful nor effective and your child may have good reasons for complaining. Listen well and keep your balance, and you and your child may wind up with wonderful experiences to remember. For KUNR, this is Cheryl Erwin.
© Copyright 2009, KUNR
